Losing you again
by john.lzhc
Summary: the only memories of what we did and felt and risked and lost that exist outside of my head are in the hands of Hatori.' The time has come for Kyo to go, and Yuki dosn't know what he's losing. kyoxyuki shomen ai. And angst. Lotsa angst.
1. allready gone

It seamed a perfectly normal Sunday. That's how it started at least. The sun came up, as it often dose, Toru rose with it and commenced her housework, shugure locked himself into the seclusion of his study to compose disturbing and unsuitable literature, and several hours past that Yuki finally emerged from his bed as hunger began to get the edge over lethargy.

Having, with some trouble, found his way in front of a plat of breakfast, some sense began trickling in. And at first everything did seam perfectly normal. Except...

Except where was that stupid cat? he was usually up and causing a racket by now.

Yuki looked around the room, as though expecting to find his wayward cousin hidden behind the curtain rail or some such place. Not that he iwanted/i to find him of, cause. No. Not at all. He did NOT want to see his cousin Kyo. He kept telling himself that.

Some days he even believed it.

And so the relatively normal Sunday morning passed, until the sound of a car heralded in noon, which had apparently hitchhiked.

Yuki stood, ready to greet answer the door when the driver (hopefully now walking, but you never know) rang the bell.

He never got the chance, as preceding any demands for attention from the walking driver (this being by now a reasonable assumption, as the engine had stopped some distance from the house, and few people in Japan had peddle cars these days), his cousin Kyo emerged from the stairwell. Yuki started. He had hoped all morning (though of cause he hadn't-oh no not at all) to see him, once they where face to face, their was nothing he could do but ignor him.  
As is often noted, the world is a cruel but ironic place.

For once, the object of his obsessing simply stood and stared at him. He noted, in the back part of his mind that wasn't quietly drooling, that Kyo was wearing his coat, and carrying his backpack. He was going somewhere?

Then Kyo walked forward, stopping close to his cousin. He didn't say a work, his lips where pressed tight together. His eye's where shining like wet rubies.

Then he turned and left, walking out the door that Yuki had intended to answer.

It closed, and he slowly became aware of something pressed into his palm. It was a folded sheet of paper. On the outside was written:

iI'm sure you just want to throw this away, but please, if you never give me so much a thort again, read it./i

Hands shaking at the drama of the words, he unfolded the note. It was a letter:

i Yuki,

sometimes i think your an angel that fell from heaven,  
though someone as perfect as you could never trip,  
though together we truly did fall.

i do wonder if you'll miss me,  
if somewhere somehow you already miss me.  
i'm right hear, but i've gone so far from you mind,  
you no longer know the person that smiles and trusts and sighs and touches.  
you no longer know the person that loves.  
all your memories let you see is the fights and the words that cut my sole.

but in a way i think you remember,  
when you look at me with confusion written in you're eyes in a language only i can read,

and i'm sure you want to smile, but don't quite know how.

I'm going to a cold and dark place,  
but the memory of your confusion when i almost see how you used to be will burn with warmth and light,  
and i will struggle on,

only for you.

By the time you read this far, i'll be out that door and in that car and gone from your life forever, again. All i will see will be the cage reserved for me and my kind and the thought of your hope,  
and theirs nothing even you, in your infinite perfection can do about it.

I'm sure you're confused and maybe even a little scared, and i'm to far away to explain, and for that i'm sorry. I doubt you'll ever really understand, as the only memories of what we did and felt and risked and lost that exist outside of my head are in the hands of Hatori.

No doubt you'd probably have bean happier if i'd have never said a word,  
never left a thort of a tear,  
and a smile,  
and walked out that door never to return,  
and you'd heard the door close on possibilities,  
and the car engine leaving,  
and never known what we'd lost.

But i had to say goodbye.  
even if i'm already gone.

And so i leave you with my fondest regards,  
and my hart, for as long as it beats upon this earth for it always has and will belong to you alone.

-kyo.  
/i

Blood rushed in his ears.

He rushed to the door, wrenched it open, ran out onto to the porch, shouting his cosines name, and heard only to fading sound of a car carrying away is life.

He didn't know how long he stood there on the porch, and by this point it didn't much matter.

Soon after, or perhaps at the end of eternity, Shigure came to the doorway.

"He's gone, then."

He didn't respond for a wile, but then turned round, and is cousin had to look away, for he felt he might drown in the tears coursing down Yuki's cheeks. 


	2. out of your sight, out of my mind

Good morning, minions.

Well, I wrote this chapter about six months ago, and then prmptly lost it. Yesterday I rewrote it, and imediatly afterwards, found the originall. Life, hu? I posted the second version in the end, because I felt that the first was lacking in depth, and besides, this is an angsty story, and so it makes sence to post the version that seems the most angsty (it quite upset me to wright it, actually). Anyway, I hope you like it.

* * *

It was another normal morning, although it made Kyo sick to think that this taunting parody of an existence had become normal. He awoke on a hard, cold, grey concrete floor, cushioned only by a threadbare blanket. He pulled himself up stiffly, not even bothering to strech out the kinks from his mussles, and leant back against the blank concrete wall, closing his eyes so as not to see this cruel mockery, this inhuman captivity.

It was six foot by six foot, ten foot high. A single tap jutted from a wall in a corner,  
above a small drain, allowing him water to drink from his cupped hands. In the uppermost right-hand corner of one chill wall there was a small window, perhaps one foot square. It was deep set, only if he stood could be see a small slice of sky through thick black bars;  
there was no glass. Today he had no energy to rise and stair at that agonising sliver of hope. A month of lonely apathy had sapped his longing of freedom. He had no will to even see the sky.

He sat and breathed slowly, trying vaguely to picture something a little less depressing than his usual, continuous train of unhappy thoughts. After a few clam breaths, he gave up,  
letting his usual pain trickle in from his memories, facing the knowledge that he had to leave, trying so hard to begin talking, to speak, to just tell him... and then that bitter,  
painful day nearly a month ago (he was scratching a tally on the wall) he had packed a few things, scribbled a districted note that made little sense, pushed it into his cozens hand and left, walking away from any semblance of a life he thought he could make. It had all proved so hopeless.

And now his whole existence was an empty, closed up cage. He never got out except for a brief opportunity to was and relive himself each day a noon. Someone slid a tray through a small opening in the narrow iron door every morning, and every evening. He never sore anyone,  
never spoke to anyone. He hadn't in a month. After the first week he had talked to himself for a few days, but there was nothing to say, nothing at all.

A raged breath ripped through his chest as he suppressed a sob. So many year watching and waiting and hoping as opportunities slipped through his fingers like water. So much despair as he prayed in the night and shed silent tears, and then the only time left was a few frantic minuets and a look, a pleading glance, then he was hear. He pressed his hand to his mouth to staunch the sound of heartbreak tearing his chest. He opened his eyes wide as he lent forward to his knees, hot tears burring paths down his pale cheeks, stinging liquid blurring the hated sight of his cage.

Suddenly, within the swimming grey, he sore a smudge of white, pure, like a dove of hope.  
Surprise stopped his bitter crying, and he swiped quickly at his tears, clearing bloodshot eyes, and staring in confused disbelief at-

It was an envelope. A thick white envelope. He crawled closer and picked it up, gazing in rapture. Something was written on the front... his name. It was so long since he had seen it, or indeed any writing. He studied it closer, surely it was-

it was Yuki's handwriting. He ripped it frantically open and read desperately.

_Kyo,_

_For so long now I half beloved I was crazy. Their where memories in my head that didn't make sense. Do you remember that time when Hanagim and Uo slept over, in the morning I practically walked into you, and lent into you're shoulder.  
That was one of few times these 'wrong' memories overtook me. They've been haunting me for years, though I've usually kept them hidden. I think that maybe I shouldn't have. I really wish I had talked to you about it now._

_I suppose I owe you an explanation? These partial memories, or ghost of memories,  
have bean haunting me for years, since before Tohru even came. They're of thing that didn't happen, that shouldn't of happen, that couldn't have._

_But apparently they did._

_What happened Kyo? I really can't work out what could have. Or when. When what happened started and when- when it ended. How did that happen? All I can gather from you're letter is that we didn't have a choice. That Hattori was made to take our memories. Why? I suppose Akito found out? How could we have bean so stupid to let that happen?_

_I really don't understand. You have to explain it, Kyo. I need to understand._

_I don't know what you have in there, so there's paper and a pen inside the envelope.  
I'll be coming back in a week, so next Friday evening._

_Please, Kyo. I really have to know._

_I really hole you're O.K. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm thinking of you, and you're not forgotten. Tohru still gets upset when you're mentioned, and everyone else misses you. I guess I do too. I never thought I'd be able to admit that. I'm glad I finally can._

_Yuki._

Kyo read the letter again and again, shedding countless tears, until the letter was quite damp.  
The he clutched the letter tight to his chest, screwed up his eyes, and lent forward till his forehead pressed against cold concrete, tears carving a stinging river of agony, as he screamed his despair into the hard floor, his anguished cries echoing about the room, mocking him harshly as he felt his hart slowly break.

* * *

So what do you think? Angsty enough? Please tell me people! 


	3. a fear of many things

A soft twilight glow had descended upon the Sohma estate by the time Yuki neared small,  
bard window set high in a white-washed wall. Apprehension made his hart beat fast in his tight chest; Akito was somewhere in the estate, no reason he shouldn't just be walking by this place.

God, he whished he was some place else. But deep in his hart, he knew that he had no choice. A hole month of utter, painful confusion had compelled him to come hear first to drop a letter (and god that letter had been hell to write) under pretence of talking to Kagura (which had not gone well), and now hear again. Sometimes, he wish he could shut down his emotions, they made life so much harder. So much more painful.

He had initially intended, when he planed this out with nervous misgivings, to be long gone from hear by now. It had bean simple, the poor, confused rat had thought. He was due for an examination by Hatori, so he anticipated to go there, briefly, then come hear, and be out in the space of an hour. It had not gone to plan.

At first Hatori had bean delayed, seeing to Akito. A silent anger had stirred within him at this news, that the demonic head was to ruin this as well as... but then, he couldn't remember what he had ruined. Not really, not if he was honist with himself. So Yuki had wanted with Haru and Momiji, talking, playing cards; he had noticed that Momiji had become increasingly attached to Haru since Kyo was taken.

When finally Hatori had returned and examined him he had hoped to be off quickly. But the doctor had mention, almost as a warning, that Akito had taken it into his twisted mind to go walking in the ground this evening. This had terrified him, he had a personal dread of the man. He wanted to speak to Kyo, to know what the hell was going on with them, but fear compelled him to accept Haru's invitation to stay for a little while longer. Just a little longer.

It had taken Momiji's request that he stay for diner as well to sway him to leave.  
"I'd best get back. I promised Tohru I'd be there when diner was ready." He had lied, by way of excuse.

"Of cause." Momiji had replied. "She must be finding it hard, with Kyo gone." Yuki had noticed the way that the rabbit had drawn nearer to his cozen as he said that. Had he always upheld such physical closeness to Haru? Had he missed this before, or was this new? He couldn't be sure. He'd never really paid attention to anyone. Except Tohru and Kyo, of cause. No, no just Tohru. Surelly just Tohru.

And so now he found himself hear, closing in on Kyo's window. Last time he'd come in the early morning, completely on a whim, righting the letter on the way, he couldn't find the courage to speak to him. It had taken him hours to find it, then. Now he had memorised the path, he trod it quickly, desperately.

He glanced quickly around. There... at the foot of the wall. I picked it up: it was a collection a papers. The first one was- he checked again. Yes, it was the letter he had written Kyo. It was crumpled, the ink was smuged. Maybe they where tearstains. Maybe not Had he rejected it? But, ihe/i was the one that had started this, with the note as he had left...

The second paper was the envelope. A quick not was scrolled over it:

iYuki, Akito comes hear occasionally, I can't risk him finding this. I really do want to keep it, but if that basted finds it- you know what'll happen. You should go quickly: reed this at home.  
-Kyo/i

He listen carefully. He could almost- he thought he caught Akito's voice on the wind.

Yuki left, quickly, almost frantically, leaving behind only a fading, hazy light, a few fallen tears and the sound of malicious laughed from the bared window.

---

"Oh, hello Yuki." Tohru bubbled as he stepped through the door. Shigure smirked; ever since Kyo had bean confined he seamed to be expecting Yuki and Tohru to start something. "Have you eaten already? Diner wont be ready for at least half an hour, so I hope you're not too hungry. Ou! How was you're check-up? is you're asthma-"

He forces a smile and brought his hand to her shoulder as he passed. "Half and hoer is good timing. And I'm fine." iI'm not I'm not I'm not/i screamed in his mind. i I don't understand, oh GOD I don't understand at all! Someone please explain/i He quickly slipped upstairs, ignoring Shigure looked about ready to make an indecent comment, and went to his room, shore to turn the catch against intrusion.

Sitting on his bead, the very confused rat handled the envelope. This was getting weird. A few long weeks ago, it had all bean so simple. He hated Kyo, Kyo hated him. Kyo picked fights because of some overblown complex, Yuki tolerated it and beat him each time. No hided hazards, no complex emotional traps. Well, there had bean the few odd moments. The first time they had fort in front of Tohru, spinning past his adversary, he'd felt an unbearable impulse to kiss the stupid cat. Of cause he hadn't acted on it, and had then kicked the boy into the yard in retaliation, but it had bean close... (1)

He could go back to that. It would be so easy just to throw away the envelope, never think of it, never return to Kyo, he'd never have to face him... But then, what would Kyo think?  
That he had bean played like a fool by Yuki, or worse, that Akito had somehow orcastrated the hole scenario, that really he was just some dammed rat laky to a dark god. Now, Yuki was afraid of Akito, respected his power, did what he said, more from fear than any other motive,  
but he would be damned if someone, anyone, was going to think he would betray some one he cared for-

iOh my god. Did I just think that? Surly he's just an annoying pest. Surely I don't care... oh god I don't understand/i

But he did, and he know it. And so there was only one thing he could do. Find out what the hell had bean going on, what had bean forced from his memories, and quite how close the cat and rat had become, and just how angry he had a right to be.

He opened the envelope.

(1) really, look in chapter 2 (p65 in think). It looks like Yuki is going to kiss him when they fight. 


	4. secrets and sins

Hello peeps! sory for the wate, but I've been doing A-levells (hint: I update saster when fuled by reviews).

I'd like to thank **Hannoka** for her very nice review, and tell **Hanafox** that she may like to check her use of capitall letters. I'll also take the opertunity to say that inless you've invented a cure for dyslexia, flames regarding my spelling are a thoura wast of everyone's time. So don't.

* * *

Yuki,

wow, i gota say I didn't exactly expect you to reply. I figured you'd just chuck it, I wasn't even sure you'd read it. Cause, that would have made it prety pointless to send give you it in the first place, but I just couldn't go without- well, you can figure.

But as to what happened, i don't know i can just itell/i you. See, all the memories are beried in youre head, you never really lost them, just can't find them any more. So for one think you should try to remember yourself. And the second is that no matter how much I tell you and how much you belive me, it'll still be something that makes practickally no sence from someone you've convinced youre self you hate (yer, don't you think I don't know just how many lie you tell you're self everyday. You should stop, by the way, youre a lot happier when youre honist with you'reself. I speack from you're experience.)

Ok, I've just read what I've writen and realised it's goning to be no help whatsoever. Sory,  
but you do tend to bring out the vauge in me (if that's even a phrase, I don't know).

Anyway, as I said, you just have to remember what happened. We worked something out for incase this ever happened (I won't go into how exactly, it took us howers of going throug psychology books to get it.). There's a spesifick memory triger that should start you off remembering, and the rest should lead from there. It might be right away or it might take a few days, so maybe do it in a holaday

I'll tell you it, but you've got to think about some things first. Please, just think about them.

Firstly, i'm not geting out of this hell-hole. No matter what you remember, were never going to be together again. You'll have to live the rest of you're life knowing what happed and never seeing me again, and there are things you could remember that will make that horable.

Secondly, no matter how important these memories where to us, and how much it ment at the time, it wasn't no fairy taill. Bad things happened, we got hurt, and we hurt other people.  
it's not going to be the sort of thing that you lable the 'good times'. Bloody strainge, but not all that good.

Thirdly, if you do remember, who are you going to talk to about it? Sure as hell not not me anymore. Not Sugure, not Hatori, not Haru (trust me on this) or Kagora (ireally/i not Kagora,  
I don't think Momiji could keep it quiret, you'll never want to face youre brother with this,  
and you'll hesitate to let Tohru know what happened. What are you going to do if it's too much for you? You'll have to cope on you're own.

I gess it's not really what you'de expect me to say, but that's the truth of it. Perhaps you should just forget it, walk away, get on with you're life, It woudl probably be for the best.

Anyway, that said, this is the memorie trigger, if you're sill intent on doing it.

You kneed a photograph with us both in it. That should'nt be so hard since Tohru got hear.  
Then you got'a stand in fround of a mirror (I know it sounds kinda spooky, but hay, it was you're idear) so you can see both you're reflection and the photo, and say 'I want to remember' over and over till something happens. Or till you feel really stupid. It might be that you start to remember in dreams or something. I don't really know. You're the one that understood this stuff

Well, that it. I guess I might hear from you again, but I might not.

Kyo.

-----

Yuki sat quietly on his bed. He still held the letter in his hand, but he was stairing mutelly at the wall. He looked down to the crumpled paper, then back up to the wall again.Tohru came to the door and oppened her mouth to request enterence, but she soor him through the cracked opening, soor the tears painting smooth torents down his porcelin cheeks. She bit her lip, and left. Yuki stayed, oblivious. Howers passed in deep thorght. Finally, Yuki stired. He glanced one last time to Kyo's warning, and stood.

He knew what he had to do. He really didn't see any choice.

* * *

Want more? Well, you know what to do! 


	5. what can I know for shore?

Greeting again, peops! And how are the loyall reviewers? gives out magick digitall pickie dust

I'm wrighting and posting as fast as I can wright now, but I'm going to Itally on saterday and so NO WORK WHATSOEVER is going to be done for a while (I'll just wright you all a nice, dramatick cliff hanger for befor I go. insert maniackle laughter).

Well, I think this chapter should be dedicated to my new beta **-Fire-Arisa-Ice-**, to thank her for volentiering her services.

Also thank you to **Astronomer** (yep, here is more!) and **Midified Tam** (I'm glad you like the angst, even if my reply was rather scathing).

I'll say once more, as some people don't seem to have goted the mesage: coments on my speling will be sarcastickally replied to and then promptly ignored. Oh, and I don't own it yada yada yada.

* * *

Monday mornings in Shigure's house were always a manic affair. Yuki would 

be impossible to wake, let alone tempt from his warm, comfortable nest of a bed, Kyo would be sulking about going back to school, and hence in a foul mood, which in turn set off Tohru who would be panicking, to which Shigure would respond by coming and upsetting as many people as he could. It was an escalating spiral that ended when the trio finally left for school or the house became a casualty.

Or when one factor of the equation was taken out.

This Monday morning was different, and it was painfully obvious to all.

Tohru was quiet, uncertain as to how she should behave, docile bordering on morose. Shigure was also docile bordering on morose, and (miraculously) being sensitive to the upset in the house, or maybe upset himself, though the dog's motives are next to impossible to comprehend at the best of times, and he was divulging no secrets.

And the biggest difference was Yuki.

Unable to properly rest, and finding himself roused from a fitful sleep after a few hours by new nightmares and fears, he found himself sitting in the kitchen at six in the morning, almost insensible in his wonderings. He had read Kyo's letter many times after deciding for sure what he must do, fretting long into the night as to whether that was really the right choice. It was close to three in the morning before his head had touched the pillow, and three hours later he found himself roused again by his worry.

He was vaguely aware that Tohru had never called him to dinner that evening and that the last he had eaten was lunch yesterday. He should probably eat what the little flower had left out for him, but he couldn't bring himself to face food in his current state. There was too much bitter doubt and betrayal running through his mind like bloody torrents for him to think of any physical needs: three hours of sleep and already clamoring depression was claiming his full attention.

And now it was seven, and Tohru was bustling nervously round the kitchen, trying her best to coax the rat into conversation, or at least answer her questions without that disengaged look he wore as he stared through the window at dawn.

"Good morning, Yuki."

"Hi."

"Um… have you been awake long?"

"I guess."

"You didn't eat dinner last night." Silence. "Are you hungry? I could make you breakfast."

"No, thank you."

"Um… Do you know if Shigure's up?"

"No."

Tohru paused, uncomfortably aware that this was going nowhere.

"Yuki," she murmured softly. He looked up. "Please, Yuki, can't you tell me what's wrong? I-I want to help you, but I really don't know how." She lifted her hand uncertainly, reaching for his face, but he turned away, back to the window. She dropped her hand, embarrassed, and made to leave.

"I'm fine, Tohru. I don't need your help."

She hesitantly bit her lip, and then rushed upstairs. Shigure, appearing in the doorway, followed her with his gaze before turning questioningly to Yuki, who sat almost oblivious to the drama.

"My, you're being insensitive this morning."

"Be quiet, Shigure. I'm not in the mood for you."

"When are you ever?"

Yuki didn't answer. He gave no indication he had even heard.

"So what's got you in this mood?"

More silence.

"What? Don't you trust me?"

"Shigure, you're a liar, a deceiver, you're manipulative, and you play games with people's lives when you have nothing better to do. No, I don't trust you."

"My, my. What did I do to deserve that?"

Yuki stood.

"... I'm not sure I know."

"You're being a little unfair then, don't you think?"

"Not really. Not knowing you."

Shigure smirked as Yuki headed to the door, scouring the fridge for food as he spoke.

"So what did you hear to bring this mood on?" Yuki turned a fraction at the voice. "What do you know?" the dog added more softly.

"Too much," he murmured, with an expression Shigure had not seen the like of on his cousin's face since the day that Kyo left.

* * *

hehe, love triangles are always fun! espeshally when combined with amnesure. 

If you're not so keen on the angst, you might like to check out my new one-shot. For once I set out with the expresed perpost of _not wrighing angst_. (And even 'the misforture of being me' was writen with the intention of being an intro for 'popularity'.


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